I don't want to keep my issues drown
by cascaine
Summary: After Emma got rid of the Dark One and another curse is successfully broken the town's people are celebrating at granny's diner once again. But Emma leaves to seek the companion of someone who might actually really understand her. Someone she's been trying to kill not so long ago. A (pre-) SQ one-shot. Taking place somewhere after 5A (probably).


Emma has been spending the last two hours drinking some beer, eating greasy food, getting hugged by literally the whole town and smiling. Smiling `till her cheeks hurt. She's not used to that much smiling anymore. Not that it's faked. At least not all the time. She likes seeing her family happy and she likes the way her son looks at her. Like she's the long lost mother he has been searching for his whole life ( _Well, they have been there at some point._ ) She also enjoys their laughing and the food and the never-out-of-style 80ies-songs coming from the jukebox. ( _Maybe they could refrain from playing „Only you" for what seems to be the 35th time in a row, though? She really needs to expand the selection of songs the people of this town are familiar with.)_

So, yes, she's been having a good time. But when she looks around the room at some point she gets the feeling that she's looking for something she can't find. Something ( _or someone_ ) to help her get past this feeling of trepidation she's developing. But something ( _or someone_ ) is missing.

And suddenly it's all too much. Her parents' bright smiles, her son's endless happy chatter, Leroy's graceless but heartfelt attempts to sing along „Only you", Hook's longing glances towards her, Belle's radiating smiles when she's dancing with her recently awoken husband. Everything. And she's craving for fresh air. ( _or something_ ). So she excuses herself and steps out of the diner.

When she arrives at the docks she finds Regina sitting on one of the benches facing the sea. The brunette doesn't turn when Emma seats herself next to her. There's no sign she has even noticed Emma's arrival. Until she shifts a little to the left in order to make room for Emma to sit on the bench comfortably. They sit there for a couple of minutes in silence, watching the seagulls fighting over some piece of rotten bread, listening to the sound of waves breaking mildly on the jetty and feeling the wind playing with their hair.

Without turning Regina finally speaks.

„Why aren't you at the party?"

„Why aren't you?"

Regina doesn't answer. She's not one who answers a counterquestion. Neither is she one to point out that she's not going to answer a counterquestion.

So they remain silent for another ten minutes.

„I tried to kill you" Emma finally states; still not looking at Regina.

„Yes"

„I don't know what to say…I'm -"

„Are you planing to try again?"

„No"

„Well, then that's settled"

Emma turns to look at Regina who is still facing the sea. Her hair's moving in the wind, the tip of her nose is reddened and her eyes are a bit watery due to the cold air.

„So, is this you forgiving me?" Emma asks.

„Yes"

„See? That's why I'm not at that party anymore"

Regina turns to look at her for the first time since Emma arrived at the docks. Her eyebrows arched in question.

„You see…the thing is…they don't get it" Emma tilts her head back to look at the darkening sky before continuing „They celebrate like they always do. Like we used to celebrate everytime we defeated someone evil (‚ _Like me?' Regina thinks_ ) or broke some shitty curse _(‚Like mine?' Regina thinks_ ). They treat me like I was held captive in some cave or something by the Dark One and now that I'm free we can go on with life like nothing ever happened. But that's not true. I wasn't held captive. I was the Dark One. The Dark One was me. They act like this had nothing to do with me. But they're wrong. It has everything to do with me. Yes, I was controlled by a darkness I didn't ask for. And yes, that darkness pretty much ruled out the lighter parts of me. But it was still me!"

Emma pauses and softly kicks a stone with her right boot.

„I know" Regina says softly.

„I know that you know" Emma now facing Regina fully „When I tried to apologize earlier (quite inarticulately) you didn't tell me that there was no need to be sorry. That it wasn't my fault because it wasn't actually me who tried to kill you. You just forgave me. And I'm asking for forgiveness. I want people to forgive me. But I don't want them to forget. To invalidate what I did. I want them to be suspicious of me. I want to have to work to gain their full trust again. I want to earn my redemption.I know that sounds crazy -"

„It doesn't." Regina interrupts „You want them to acknowledge that you are…you. A person with flaws and rage and insecurities. That you're not just the saviour. That you're a mother and a daughter and a sister and a friend. That you have a questionable taste in food and cars … and music judging by that playlist Henry found on your iPod. That you're swift to take offence and sometimes you try to hold a grudge but you fail because no matter how hard you try you can't stand others getting hurt. And now you're afraid. You're afraid the people you love will negotiate the less heroic parts of you. Which means you will have to hide them in order to be loved and accepted. But you're wrong. They know you're not flawless. And they wouldn't want you to be."

Emma stares at Regina wide-eyed.

Regina places a hand on the blonde's shoulder as she continues „You want to earn your redemption because you don't want to ignore your issues. Issues that became quite clear while you were consumed by darkness. Right?"

Emma's voice breaks as she answers. „Right"

„Well, you have all the time in the world to face them."

„Why aren't you at the party?"

Regina chuckles. And sobers. Before answering „Sometimes I need to be alone. I'm not used to be surrounded by so many people. And I'm certainly not used to them wanting to chitchat with me." Emma raises an eyebrow at that and Regina continues „I have to admit that I like that, though. Friendly faces. People who consider themselves my friends. I just…I spent decades without that. And I became accustomed to the loneliness. And as much as I appreciate these still strange friendships… sometimes I just need to be alone. To think. To breath. To be myself."

„Do you want me to leave you alone?"

„No."

So they keep sitting on the bench next to each other in comfortable silence. Watching the seagulls still fighting over that piece of rotten bread, listening to the sound of waves breaking mildly on the jetty and feeling the wind playing with their hair. Thinking. Breathing. Being themselves.

After what feels like forever Regina gets up and turns to leave. Without looking back she says „Good night, Miss Swan. I'll see you around."

And Emma can't help admitting that there are in fact a lot if issues she will have to face in the near future. Such as her feelings for Regina Mills and what to do about them.


End file.
